


Unmaking and Becoming

by sevedra



Series: The Winter Soldier Files [5]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Winter Soldier (Comics)
Genre: Aftermath of Torture, Aftermath of Violence, Altered Mental States, Brainwashing, Bucky Barnes's Metal Arm, Gen, Medical Procedures, Non-Consensual Body Modification, Non-Consensual Bondage, Non-Consensual Drug Use, POV First Person, Psychological Torture, Psychological Trauma, Stream of Consciousness, Torture, Violence, Winter Soldier Bucky Barnes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-27
Updated: 2017-05-30
Packaged: 2018-10-24 17:05:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 20
Words: 3,488
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10746084
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sevedra/pseuds/sevedra
Summary: Sergeant James Barnes becomes The Winter SoldierI am marking this as complete. 20 chapters is a nice number. I am not inspired for this universe right now and haven't been for months. Maybe one day I'll come back to it, but right now there is no plan to do so.





	1. 1945

**Author's Note:**

> Happens during E&M

 

 

Falling  
fear  
falling  
falling  
falling  
wind  
cold  
fear

Impact  
pain  
pain  
pain  
cold  
fear  
cold  
fear

Darkness

Awareness  
pain  
pain  
pain  
movement  
noise  
voices  
pain

Darkness

Alarm  
fear  
pain  
light  
voices  
pain  
pain  
pain

Darkness

Warmth  
fear  
pain  
voices  
pain  
pain  
pain  
relief

Darkness

Pain  
pain  
pain  
fear  
pain  
fear  
pain  
fear

Cold  
cold  
cold  
fear  
fear  
fear  
numbness  
relief

Darkness


	2. 1948

  
Awareness  
cold  
pain  
voices  
fear  
pain  
pain  
pain

Darkness

Awareness  
pain  
voices  
fear  
light  
pain  
pain  
pain

Darkness

Awareness  
pain  
pain  
pain  
pain  
pain  
pain  
pain

Darkness

Awareness  
light  
voices  
fear  
shock  
pain  
lightning  
Sergeant Barnes James Buchanan 32557038

Darkness

Awareness  
light  
voices  
shock  
lightning  
lightning  
lightning  
Sergeant Barnes James Buchanan 32557038

Darkness

Awareness  
pain  
lightning  
lightning  
pain  
Sergeant Barnes James Buchanan 32557038  
Sergeant Barnes James Buchanan 32557038  
Sergeant Barnes James Buchanan 32557038

Darkness

Awareness  
wary  
fear  
pain  
pain  
lightning  
lightning  
escape

Darkness

pain  
pain  
pain  
lightning  
lightning  
lightning  
calm  
Asset

Asset  
numbness  
blank  
asset  
mourning  
numbness  
cold  
relief

Darkness


	3. 1953

  
Awareness  
lightning  
Asset

Zola  
numbness  
Asset

The Asset is fighting. The opponents are weak. The Asset destroys.

Lightning  
Always more lightning. And pain. And voices.

Who am I? There is no I. The Asset is all there is. The Asset.

The Asset is shooting. The gun is acceptable. The targets are easy.

Lightning  
Lightning  
The Asset is HYDRA. HYDRA is meaning. The Asset's meaning is HYDRA.

Books  
Languages  
Fighting  
Shooting  
Zola  
HYDRA

cold  
numbness

Darkness

 


	4. 1955

Awareness  
lightning  
Zola  
HYDRA

pain  
pain  
pain

The Asset has two arms. The Asset only has one arm. One arm. Two arms.  
The arm hurts. The Asset has pain. The Asset has no pain. The Asset feels nothing.

The Asset is nothing

Fighting. The Asset fights. The Asset wins. The Asset always wins.  
Shooting. The targets are not challenging.

Lightning  
lightning  
always lightning

pain  
Zola  
HYDRA

 


	5. 1955

lightning  
lightning

Always lightning.  
pain  
pain

The Asset has two arms. The arm is pain. The Asset does not feel pain. The Asset does not feel.

Languages  
Fighting  
Training

The Asset gains new skills. The Asset is useful. The Asset is HYDRA. HYDRA is all.

useful  
useful  
weapon  
pain

The Asset is HYDRA. HYDRA is all.

weapon  
weapon  
weapon  
lightning

HYDRA  
Zola  
lightning

HYDRA is all.

cold  
numbness

Darkness


	6. 1956

Awareness  
lightning  
lightning  
Zola  
HYDRA  
lightning

pain  
The arm is pain. The Asset has two arms. The Asset does not feel pain.

alone  
hungry  
alone  
The Asset is not lonely. The Asset does not feel. The Asset is only The Asset.  
The Asset's hunger does not matter. The Asset does not feel. The Asset is only The Asset.

alone  
hungry  
dark  
pain

Training. The Asset is strong. The Asset is useful. The Asset is obedient.

useful  
weapon  
useful  
weapon

HYDRA is a secret. The Asset is HYDRA. HYDRA is all. HYDRA is a secret.

learn  
obey  
fight  
shoot  
learn  
learn  
learn The Asset is useful.

music. The Asset dances. The music is soothing. calming. The Asset likes dancing. The Asset does not like. The Asset does not feel.  
The Asset is The Asset.

lightning  
lightning  
always lightning  
always pain.

pain  
pain  
pain  
cold  
numbness

Darkness


	7. 1958

  
Awareness  
lightning  
lightning  
lightning

Handler. The Asset has a Handler. The Asset must obey. The Asset obeys.

The arm is pain. The Asset does not feel pain.

The Asset learns.  
Fighting. Shooting. Dancing. Languages. Walking. Watching. Seeing.

The Asset is loyal. The Party is all. HYDRA is all. Conflict in orders. The Party. HYDRA.  
the party  
HYDRA  
the party  
HYDRA  
Zola

lightning  
lightning  
HYDRA

The Asset's mind is loyal to HYDRA. The Asset's words are loyal to The Party.

The Asset trains. The Asset fights. The Asset learns.

cold  
numbness

Darkness


	8. 1960

  
Awareness  
lightning  
lightning

 ~~The Asset~~ is The Winter Soldier. ~~The Asset~~ is not The Asset. ~~The Asset~~ is The Winter Soldier.

The Winter Soldier is useful. The Winter Soldier has a mission.

the car is strange  
the streets are strange  
where am  ~~I~~? Where is ~~The Asset~~? Where is The Winter Soldier?

Tell this person what to say. Repeat the words The Winter Soldier was given. what? where? what is she wearing?

where am ~~I~~? Where is ~~The Asset~~? where am I?

go. go. go. runrunrun  
fight  
fight  
get away  
fight  
fight  
war  
war  
war

where am I? who am I? Germany? France. France. France is safe. safe. I must get to France.

who am I?  
Barnes  
Barnes 32557038  
32557038  
Barnes

fight  
fight  
pain  
pain  
fight

where am I?

wait. wait. my unit will come. wait. they will come for me.  
Steve will come  
stevie  
stevie  
Sergeant Barnes James Buchanan 32557038  
Sergeant Barnes James Buchanan 32557038  
Sergeant Barnes James Buchanan 32557038

not the team not the team not the team

lightning  
lightning  
lightning  
pain  
pain  
pain  
~~Sergeant Barnes James Buchanan 32557038~~

cold  
numbness

Darkness


	9. 1960

  
Awareness  
lightning  
lightning

Lightning. Pain. Always.

pain  
pain  
pain  
Zola

pain. burning shoulder. burning back. pain. cold. pain

 ~~The Asset~~ has only one arm. The Winter Soldier has only one arm.

pain. burning shoulder. burning back. pain. cold. pain. hunger

The Winter Soldier does not feel pain. The Winter Soldier does not feel hunger. The Winter Soldier does not feel.

fear. numbness. lighting. pain. fear. pain. lightning.

The Winter Soldier does not feel pain. The Winter Soldier does not feel hunger. The Winter Soldier does not feel fear.  
The Winter Soldier does not feel.

languages  
dancing  
pain  
pain  
lightning  
lightning  
langage  
dancing  
shooting  
pain  
pain

mission  
quiet. The Winter Soldier must be quiet. The Winter Soldier must not be seen. The Winter Soldier must be quiet.  
quiet. still. aim. still. still. FIRE

cold  
numbness

Darkness


	10. 1963

  
Awareness  
lightning  
lightning  
pain

The Winter Soldier does not feel pain.

who is The Winter Soldier? who am I?  
Barnes  
32557038  
who is Barnes?  
who am I?

Zola

HYDRA!

painpainpain  
lightning  
Always lightning.

The Winter Soldier has two arms. The arm is pain. The Winter Soldier does not feel pain.

training. The Winter Soldier stretches. The Winter Soldier is still. The Winter Soldier shoots. The Winter Soldier fights.

mission. the mission is purpose.  
quiet. still. quiet. The Winter Soldier is quiet. The Winter Soldier is still. waitwaitwait

There is the man. fastquickhurry quietquietquiet

His neck is in ~~my hand~~. His neck is in The Winter Soldier's hand. The metal hand.

The Winter Soldier's hand is metal.  
The man is dead.

dancing  
quiet  
peace

cold  
numbness

the darkness is coming. numbness. is this death?

Darkness


	11. 1964

Awareness  
lightning  
lightning  
Zola!  
where is Zola?

New misson.  
Metal hand. The arm is pain.  
The Winter Soldier does not feel.

The new mission is combat.  
The Winter Soldier fights.

There are children. The Winter Soldier fights. The Winter Soldier trains.

The Winter Soldier fights the children. The children are hurt. The Winter Soldier hurts them.

The children fight. The children are broken. The Winter Soldier breaks the children. The children are hurt.

The children learn. They fight back. They attack. The Winter Soldier breaks the children. Little girls.

The Winter Soldier breaks the little girls  
I am The Winter Soldier

I am The Winter Soldier

dancing  
dancing  
The little girls dance. The Winter Soldier dances.

The little girls talk.  
The Winter Soldier listens. I am The Winter Soldier.

The little girls are kind.  
The little girls are curious.  
The Winter Soldier feels peaceful. The Winter Soldier does not feel.  
The Winter Soldier does not feel.

The Winter Soldier does not feel.  
pain  
pain  
lightning  
painpainpain

cold  
numbness

the cold leads to the numbness.  
the numbness leads to dark.  
is the darkness death?

Darkness


	12. 1966

Awareness  
lightning  
lightning  
lightning

where am I? who am I?  
where? who?  
Lost. I am lost.

What is wrong with my arm?  
My arm is metal! It hurts!

confusion. muddled mind. confusion

painpaiNpaINpAINPAIN

lightning  
lightning  
lightning

painPAINPAINPAIN

The Winter Soldier complies.

The Winter Soldier does not feel

The Winter Soldier has a mission. The Winter Soldier must recover this man and woman.  
Who are they?  
Traitors!

The Winter Soldier must recover these traitors.  
The mission is purpose.  
The Winter Soldier is useful.  
~~As long as I am useful~~.

wait. wait. what is happening? who am I?  
RUN! FIGHT! RUN! who am I?  
Where am I? 

fight  
fight  
fight

I can not get away

numbness

I can not fight.  
I am numb  
who am I?

cold

the numbness and the darkness are not death

there is no death.  
there is no reprieve  
there is no relief.

there is only

Darkness


	13. 1967

Awareness  
lightning  
lightning  
lightning  
painpainpain

The Winter Soldier has a mission.  
The Winter Soldier is useful.  
The Winter Soldier has purpose.

The arm is metal. The arm is pain. The Winter Soldier does not feel pain. The Winter Soldier does not feel.

There is a target. The target must be eliminated.  
There is a sniper rifle. The Winter Soldier is a sniper.

I have always been a sniper.

I am The Winter Soldier.

A mission is good.  
A mission gives meaning to existence.  
My existence.

The distance of the shot is perfect.  
The distance from the kill.  
~~The Winter Soldier~~ is far from the death.

I am The Winter Soldier

The target is dead.  
The mission is over.

The darkness will come.  
Rest from being The Winter Soldier.

The master is pleased. Zola is pleased.

 ~~The Winter Soldier~~ is allowed choice. I am allowed choice.  
I choose to read.

and now the chamber. the coffin.  
I go to my death.  
my not death

the numbness comes from a needle  
the cold is in the chamber. in the coffin

I am in the coffin

and now the darkness


	14. 1968

Awareness  
lightning  
lightning  
lightning

always the lightning  
pain  
always pain

Zola

The arm is metal.  
The arm is pain.  
The Winter Soldier does not feel pain.  
The Winter Soldier does not feel.

the stranger hurts the arm  
There is so much painpainpain

fightfightfight

pain  
The Winter Soldier does not feel

There is so much pain

lightning  
lightning  
always lightning  
pain  
always pain

The Winter Soldier is compliant

the stranger works on the arm  
the arm is pain  
the arm is always pain  
The Winter Soldier does not feel pain  
The Winter Soldier does not feel

Mission  
Purpose  
Target elimination

a knife is sufficient for the purpose of elimination

now the numbness  
now the coffin  
now the not death  
now the darkness


	15. 1970

Awareness  
lightning  
lightning  
lightning

pain  
pain  
pain

always the same  
my existence is pain  
and lightning

lightning  
lightning  
lightning

The Winter Soldier does not feel pain.  
The Winter Soldier does not feel.

there is no mission  
but there are men to fight  
defeating them is easy  
and there are also guns

the shooting is calming, calming  
there is focus with the gun in hand  
the fear subsides, then returns  
the left hand must shoot too  
the left hand is metal  
the calm is gone

the arm is made of metal  
the arm is made of pain  
The Winter Soldier does not feel pain  
The Winter Soldier does not feel

the arm must be used  
~~The Winter Soldier~~ I must demonstrate what the arm can do  
the metal arm can do everything that the flesh arm can do  
and more  
the metal arm never tires  
the metal arm can not be burned  
the metal arm is unbreakable  
the metal arm is pain

there is a new man  
a new master  
a new handler  
he will be a new zola  
I do not want a new zola

the new master must be obeyed  
as ~~The Winter Soldier~~ I would obey zola  
the new master will use the lightning  
the new master will assign the missions  
the new master will receive my loyalty

I perform for the new master  
I do everything he says  
and more  
I must be perfect  
I must do each thing to the very best of my ability  
I must exceed my training  
and secure the faith of the new master

the new master will return me to the cold  
the coffin  
the numbness  
the darkness

but not death  
never death


	16. 1971

Awareness  
who am I?  
where am I?  
why am I so cold?

Zola!

lightning  
lightning  
lightning

painPAINPAIN

I am The Winter Soldier.  
The new master has assigned a mission.  
I have purpose.  
I am useful.

I am to travel.  
There are new clothes  
and a shave and a haircut ~~two bits~~  
The Winter Soldier does not feel.

The Winter Soldier has been assigned a wife.  
I do not remember that I have ever had a wife.  
We are to go on holiday.  
we go in an airplane

The target must be eliminated

I enter the home of the target for the kill  
the target is not alone  
his companions are not asleep  
the witnesses scream and fight  
collatoral damages allowed  
witnesses eliminated  
4 bodies make a lot of blood  
the mission is complete

The Winter Soldier returns in an airplane

The Winter Soldier is allowed to choose.  
Choices.  
The Winter Soldier chooses music  
The Winter Soldier is allowed to choose more so that the available time is filled  
~~The Winter Soldier~~ I dance  
~~The Winter Soldier~~ I read  
~~The Winter Soldier~~ I sleep

and soon the darkness  
the numbness  
the cold

the new master puts me in the coffin  
this is not death  
this is emptiness


	17. 1972

awakening from the cold  
slow and sluggish and unthinking  
and then the lightning  
lightning  
lightning  
painpainpain

the new master is here

zola is gone

the left arm is metal metal metal metal  
a man restrains the arm and opens it  
the arm hurts!  
the winter soldier does not feel pain  
always pain always heavy  
the winter soldier does not feel pain  
now it is dead and the pain lessens  
when it is alive again, the pain returns stronger  
the arm may work better though

there is a mission

these are the little girls!  
new little girls  
same mission  
train the girls to fight  
break the girls  
hurt the girls

the little girls talk  
they question  
i listen  
i have no answers  
they tell their secrets  
and softly speak of their harsh lives  
i listen

and then the lightning  
pain  
pain  
punishment  
the lightning is punishment

the winter soldier returns to train the children  
they do not talk  
i do not listen  
the winter soldier does not listen  
there are very few girls when the training is finished

i return to the numbness  
i return to the cold  
i return to the darkness that is not death  
there will be no death  
i am not allowed to die


	18. 1973 pt 1 of 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 3 parts, complete, one per day for 3 days
> 
> then, I really have to write some more of this, I am woefully behind...

Awareness

lightning  
lightning

Lightning. Pain. Always.

there is a new pain  
and a new fuzziness in my mind  
The Winter Soldier does not feel

there is a mission  
and a star on the arm  
the arm is metal  
the arm is pain  
The Winter Soldier does not feel pain

learning english is simple  
the words are already there  
they feel routine  
The Winter Soldier does not feel

a plane  
the world looks different  
the plane is unfamiliar

The Winter Soldier is quiet  
and calm  
the clothes feel strange  
The Winter Soldier does not feel

in a taxi  
seeing the city  
a city that is recognized  
familiar  
and yet, unknown

the mission  
The Winter Soldier has a mission  
wear the uncomfortable clothes  
and avoid the eyes of strangers  
after, there is calm and quiet

then the mission resumes  
the mask  
breathing is difficult  
return to the glass building  
avoid the eyes of strangers

quiet quiet quiet

and the door opens


	19. 1973 pt 2 of 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm having some personal problems right now. I've decided to publish chapters 19 and 20 today. I haven't written 21 yet.
> 
> I'll be off AO3 for a week or so getting myself together.
> 
> Sorry

There's a body slumped over a desk.  
There is a BODY on the desk.  
A dead bodyThere's blood everywhere. On me.  
Did I kill this person?  
oh god, I did! I killed this man!Take off the gloves.  
One of my hands is metal.  
One of my HANDS is metal!  
Turn the vest inside out to hide the blood.  
Turn the gloves inside out too.  
Grab the files.  
Slip out the door without being seen.  
My head is fuzzy and my thoughts are not mine  
Hit the street and turn down an alley.  
This is New York.  
New York.  
New York is home.  
Brooklyn.  
Brooklyn is Home.  
Stick to the shadows.  
Quiet. Quick. Quiet.  
I just have to find somewhere, somewhere I remember  
Someone slams into the metal shoulder.

The metal hand flashes out and  
their neck is snapped.

Keep moving.  
Quick. Quiet. Quick.  
Wait.  
Finish the mission  
Turn around.  
Quiet.  
Slip inside.  
Quiet.  
Leave the files, take the clothes.  
Back out into the shadows.  
The smell is familiar, but the buildings are alien.  
So much metal and glass.  
Where's the brick?  
Night is falling.  
Hide. Quiet. Wait.  
Don't sleep  
As the sun rises, start again.  
The street names are the same but nothing looks like it should.  
Who am I?  
Why am I here?  
Where am I going?  
I'm a New Yorker I think  
I just have to find home  
If I can get home it'll all make sense

The ground shakes and a roar bellows overhead.

Night is falling and I am behind a dumpster.  
How did I get here?  
Why am I behind a dumpster?  
I've lost time, it was day  
When it's day again, I walk the streets.  
I can not find what I'm looking for.  
There should be a brownstone.  
Home.  
It's gone.

The ground shakes and a roar bellows overhead.

I'm in a dark room with boarded windows.  
How did I get here?  
I've lost time  
The noise makes me go away in my head  
It's dirty and smells, but it's empty.  
There are walls and a roof. Safety.

The ground shakes and a roar bellows overhead.

A man staggers in.  
He comes too close.

The metal hand flashes out and  
his neck is snapped.

Take the body into the alley.  
Leave it in the dumpster.

The ground shakes and a roar bellows overhead.

Where am I?  
Who am I?  
Why am I huddled in an alley?  
There was a room...  
The sun rises.  
My stomach cramps.  
My mouth is sticky.  
The room is dark and cool.  
With my back to the wall and my knife in my hand  
I sleep.

The ground shakes and a roar bellows overhead.

I'm awake  
I'm aware  
I'm alone  
I'm afraid  
My stomach cramps.  
My mouth is sticky.  
Out on the streets.  
Behind a restaurant.  
Food in the alley.  
My stomach cramps.  
My mouth is sticky.

The ground shakes and a roar bellows overhead.

Night is falling and I am behind a dumpster.  
Where is my room?  
The dark makes deep shadows.  
Quiet. Quick. Quiet.  
The room has walls and a roof. Safety.  
With my back to the wall and my knife in my hand  
I sleep.

The ground shakes and a roar bellows overhead 


	20. 1973 pt 3 of 3

The days blur  
I scrounge food from the dumpster.  
Drink water from the drain pipes.  
Stick to the shadows hoping I won't be seen

The ground shakes and a roar bellows overhead.

The train makes my brain go sideways  
I can't control the panic

The metal hand flashes out and  
a neck is snapped.

I'm awake  
I'm aware  
I'm afraid  
My hand slips in someone's pocket  
Ease out their wallet  
Keep the cash, toss the rest  
I can get real food from a store  
Put on the clean shirt from my change of clothes  
Drink coffee and water in a diner  
Leave cash on the table  
I have a room to sleep in  
with walls and a roof.  
A semblance of safety  
Have to sleep with my back to the wall  
and a knife in my hand to feel that safety

The ground shakes and a roar bellows overhead.

The train does something to my head and I lose time  
The brownstone where I lived is not here  
The street names are the same, but so much time has passed  
Stealing wallets again to buy food from a store instead of eating from a dumpster  
I look at my face in a dirty bathroom mirror and it's both familiar and the face of a stranger  
My face, not my face  
Not my face, my face

The ground shakes and a roar bellows overhead.

The metal hand flashes out and  
a neck is snapped.

I have to keep stealing to eat, I'm ashamed for it  
There's a safe room to sleep in, strangers on the other side of the walls  
the days blur together and time is passing but I'm not sure how much  
And then they come for me, men with guns  
I fight, but then

The ground shakes and a roar bellows overhead.  
The ground shakes and a roar bellows overhead.  
The ground shakes and a roar bellows overhead.

and my head goes off the rails  
Fight!  
If they take me back, I'll never know who I am  
painpainpain  
painpainpain  
Fight!  
I don't want to go  
I don't want to forget  
I don't want the lightning  


oh god! The arm is broken!  
The metal arm is broken!  
I didn't know it could break!  
painpainpain

Numbness  
Tired  
I think they've drugged me  
I'm slipping away  
My freedom  
those few precious moments of freedom  
slipping away

darkness

**Author's Note:**

> [ Melarissa](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Melarissa/pseuds/Melarissa) is translating this series into Russian!  
> [Проект "Зимний Солдат"](http://archiveofourown.org/series/857592)


End file.
